The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Great game to play with friends
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
“How’s your day going?”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??