The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Customize Your Wedding.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.