“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
dictator is short for richard potato
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”