Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die