[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me, after any kind of buffet.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps