Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio