Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Spell check is for lasers.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”