The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
me adding lol on a serious message
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!