The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?