@jokeymcjokeface: The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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@MrSpoonicorn: *a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun* "THIS IS A STICK UP" *everyone laughs* "GUYS IM SERIOUS" *more laughter* "DAMN IT" *leaves*
@jake_lach: My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen
@withanewname: The family pet is getting old so we're all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can't make it over there.
@AlexRogaski: [Science Meeting, 1924] Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"