The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
just witnessed a drug deal