@jokeymcjokeface: The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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@thatUPSdude: Me: Want some of my nachos? Coworker: I don't like nachos. Me: Hello 911, what's consider premeditated murder?
@brendohare: My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
@AmyLondon: @funTweeters TIL:The phrase "I plead the fifth" comes from the minimum volume of alcohol one can blame for committing the alleged infraction