@jokeymcjokeface: The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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@ValeeGrrl: Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies* Him: Heyyy...you uh...wanna fool around? Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
@THEDUTHCHESS: Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful. Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
@SaraMansford: Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers: They don't want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.
@sarcasticmommy4: One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.