@jokeymcjokeface: The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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@chrisdowning: Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
@HairyJew4Life: Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend? When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
@markedly: BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card ME: How'd you know it wasn't me B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try M: Dear god