The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I need this for my side hustle.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
#winning
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.