The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Who says great literature is dead?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”