The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
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Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I need a headline like this
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.