The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
mood
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.