The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
You Might Also Like
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
The Joker was right
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
are they though??