The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Banking tips
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”