@farahfergie: The Cheesecake Factory had a "Help Wanted" sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn't to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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@AnOrangeSNES: Have you heard about the late great actor? "Wow, he's dead?" *Actor strolls in* Nope, just never on time.
@yonewt: Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects
@david8hughes: Juror: we find the defendant guilty Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn't Judge: he has a point
@thesarahthing: "I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck."