The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
lmfao
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall