The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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The second world war should have been called world war returns
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Accurate
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises