The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
You Might Also Like
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.