The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.