The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
#Caturday
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)