The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.