The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
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Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
whatcha thinkin bout
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Go girl power!
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”