the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.