The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?