@AlexRogaski: The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they're in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.
@noogscorner: When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You're experiencing what scientists refer to as "the eye of the shitstorm."
@VikeeysSecret: Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
@thesulk: Next time you're on an elevator with a stranger say, "If the doors open and it's all zombies, let's team up."