@AlexRogaski: The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they're in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
@SortaBad: We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the ¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
@Shanehasabeard: "Your résumé says you've been to prison?" Me: Sorry, that's a mistake "So you haven't?" Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there