The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
the short answer to this question
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.