The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
OMG 🤣🤣
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called