The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.