Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Pringles
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation