Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
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[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
can’t catch a break
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater