@Hobo_Splendido: The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they're so short.
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@Girl_Censored: I'm not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I'm going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard...
@onion_an: Me: My dog has gone missing Dog pound: What colour is it? Me: Brown Dog pound: Sex? Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
@Smug_Lemur: God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money.
@sad_tree: [After Big Jewel Heist] "We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan" ME(holding my grappling hook I didn't get to use): Yea it was ok