The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
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When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”