the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
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Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.