The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃