The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
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If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so