The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
That’s easy for you to say
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*