I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Not😆🤣
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
who wants to go expliring
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible