The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.