If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
You Might Also Like
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Tough love is true love
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped