Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything