Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I am crying
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
never forget
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope