@lizetagge: The closest I've been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop...
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@marinhubka: [sifting through mail] baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
@joeljeffrey: When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.
@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
@wittwitbarista: With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.