Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
men, we mow at sunrise.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?