Previously On Persistence 😎
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.