*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.