The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.