The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying