The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I’m tired tomorrow.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show