The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Can Happiness buy money?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Damn what did I do next
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.