The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions