Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me