@omgthatspunny: The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
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@ImABaconDonut: 5: I went potty. Me: Did you remember to wipe this time? 5: No. Me: Why? 5: It's faster my way. I don't know how to counter that argument.
@jimmy_sharpe: Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we're running away to start a new life together.