Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
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[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.