ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂