The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
The USS B port
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.